The Final Four is just around the corner and major outlets are busy talking about all the stories from Coach K’s dream run to Villanova’s devastating loss of Justin Moore. If this is the type of news you want, then you came to the wrong place. We give out winners and bullshit. Let’s get to the bullshit.
Duke
I’m tired of the media slobbing on Coach K’s knob every second of every day. The dude is a dirtbag who couldn’t even get through his postgame speech to the Cameron Crazies without scolding them for cheering. He doesn’t want any of the attention on him, but conveniently told everyone this was his last year instead of announcing his retirement like a normal person. In the second round video montage before playing Michigan, he talked about how there are no personal accolade banners in Cameron Indoor right before it showed his “1,000 wins” banner. Whoever produced that content for CBS needs his salary quadrupled. We’ll miss having a true villain like Coach K in college basketball, but I’m ready for this 10 month jerk-off fest to end.
UNC
What an incredible run the Tarheels have had since ruining Coach K’s sayonara to Cameron Indoor. Yes, they were upset by a Va Tech team who ran the table in the ACC tourney, but they’ve now won 10 of their last 11 and have averaged over 77 points per game. That doesn’t excuse Hubert Davis from crying after beating Saint Peter’s in the Elite Eight to get to his first final four. I’ll give him a pass for it being his first appearance, but this is literally what you were brought in to do or you’d be shit canned. You better dry those eyes fuckin quick, we have a legacy to ruin Saturday, Hubie. The ceiling is the roof.
Villanova
I’m not gonna lie ladies and gents…I’m worried about our future. Words can’t express what the loss of Justin Moore means to this team. In a Zoom press conference Jay Wright said this of Moore, ““He’s one of the best rebounding guards in the country. He plays every position for us, offensively, except 5, and he’s a leader out there. He’s probably our most valuable player. I think he’s underrated in terms of his value to this team and what he’s done this year. He’s one of the most complete players in the country. He truly is.” They’re scrappy, hopefully they find a way to muck it up enough against Kansas to get it done, but this sucks.
Kansas
My dumbass literally sat here and talked about using a profit boost to take Kansas and ignored my own advice. I really hope one of you did because I feel like an idiot. Congratulations to Bill Self for making a Final Four and paying the media outlets enough to keep them from talking about his toupee. Seriously, there’s no way that’s actually his hair right?
We’re done here. I’m depressed there’s only 2 days of College Basketball left. I need it in my face again ASAP. I might turn on an NIT game or some Women’s bball to cope, but it’s not the same. Love you, bye.
The Morning Flush 